It has come to my attention that there are many of us adult dogs out there now dealing with humans who are introducing a puppy into the household. I am dealing with them now. They call the puppy Thunderbear, but he will hereby be known as The Interloper.
1. Unfortunately, little puppies like The Interloper are not some kind of wild protein source for us grown-up canines, although the coyotes tell me they taste a little like chicken. The humans don’t take kindly to their puppy being gnawed or bitten. Despite the fact that puppies squeak, they are not chew toys, although it would be fun if they were.
2. Discipline the puppy only when the human is out of hearing range; otherwise, when the puppy starts screaming its head off, you will be put into time-out, or worse, denied couch privileges.
3. It is always helpful to enlist the aid of a feline to terrify a puppy. I know, I know, felines are aliens with daggers, but they come in handy when they hiss and simultaneously bat the puppy’s face with their well-aimed clawpaws, thus causing The Interloper to cry, then run away. Unfortunately I have not been able to get the felines to drive The Interloper away-away, as in down the road to another human’s house.
4. I have discovered that using my best World Wrestling Federation moves on The Interloper has not earned me kudos, treats or cheers, much less one of those fancy belt buckles. My particular wrestling acumen includes body-slamming, pile-driving, pinning my opponent, or using my famous steamroller method of powering on top of my opponent and using him as a back scratcher. Tigger does not like this, particularly when The Interloper screams for mercy. She gets all wigged-out: “Stop it ‘Sabe, you’re going to hurt him!” Well, what was she thinking, introducing a puppy to the Canine Combat Master?
5. Do not attempt to drown the puppy in a convenient pond; these little fur balls float! And they know how to swim, although I have no idea who taught them. And don’t try to steal food from the puppy either, or you end up in Time Out with one of the cats.
The plain and simple truth is that I don’t think The Interloper is going to find a new home. Even when I told The Interloper to use the nice living room rug as a potty, which he promptly did, he unfortunately figured out rather quickly after that the canine restrooms are outside, not inside. Yet another good plan foiled.
Maybe The Interloper will become more interesting when he finally becomes a dog.
Kemosabe is a three year old Australian shepherd who, when he’s not on the road with Tigger, likes to hang out at BioStar — taste-testing products and herding the FedEx delivery guys.
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